Last night I had a full on binge. I am still trying to process all of the lies I believe(d) but I woke up with some strong consequences this morning (not just a full stomach and bad gas).
I can't begin to go into the details of how crazy this day has been (first world problems, still real and difficult). There are three consequences that really impacted me today. 1) I slept longer than I wanted to because I felt sick/tired from poor nutrition and eating too much (this is a standard consequence)... What was less usual was waking up to a pile of throw up on our couch (Fiona had her asthma/condition where she pukes if she coughs too much in the middle of the night)... And then realizing...
2) The "tooth fairy" forgot Belle. Yep. I am cleaning the couch with gloves and I hear, "Mom! You forgot my tooth fairy stuff!!!" The tooth fairy was too busy believing lies and stuffing her face she literally went to bed without a plan to play tooth fairy with her eager daughter.OK, there's grace. I hugged her, said sorry, and went to make breakfast. It was in the kitchen where I saw a list and thought, "Nooooo!!!!..."
3) Library fines!!! Yes. Yesterday I had a list of to dos (one of them being to renew library books) in the kitchen. I meant to do this after dinner. After eating til I felt sick last night I felt sluggish and didn't really think of anything but myself and in doing that completely forgot to renew our library books. We have a lot checked out right now....
This was only the first 10 minutes of my morning. Way worse things continued to transpire. My beloved daughters have been extremely defiant, disrespectful, and ridiculous today. There have been and are consequences. I am at Starbucks with an overpriced tea right now tempted to head to Sprouts next door and get bin candy and escape today's craziness. "I deserve it." The consequences from this morning do remind me it's not a good idea yet it is still actually tempting and something I considered. Seeing my girls (one in particular) not believe my love for her in the midst of the discipline/consequences is in my mind right now. This makes me desperate for Jesus as I want her to know He is the answer. The spiritual battle is so real. Please pray for me.
I'm a mess. A hypocrite. A farse. I point others to Jesus (seriously- I saw two friends in person yesterday, talked to one on the phone, and told them how the gospel is the answer to our unbelief and problems) and then I did exactly what I know I shouldn't... Not believing. Not obeying. What I am thinking about right now is that God loves me. I can go the rest of my life eating close to perfect nutrition and portions or I can binge every time I eat until I die and He loves me the same!!! This is so crazy. I hurt others and myself when I choose to not believe and sin. As I saw how my daughter dealt with her emotions and sin I realized more fully how ridiculous I am and how holy and amazing God is.
Ephesians 6:10- 11 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil".
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