AHHHH!!!!!!

I want to scream in a pillow. Punch a wall. Well, do both of those things again because I already did those two pointless actions last week. I'm so frustrated. Mostly, at myself. I want to blame others... the little girls especially (because that makes so much sense). I'm hopeful. I know God's mercies are new every morning. I'm inspired and PRAYING, BEGGING God really to give me His Spirit and guidance as I seek to really get out of this viscous eating cycle. It was going mostly well until I decided (justified) to have a frozen yogurt at the MOPS social. Man, does my 'brokenness' run deep.

I can't even count the calories or junk that I've had since that September 30th mom's night out, but here's what I managed to swallow (and chew sometimes) today.

- TJ Cheerios (Strawberry Yogurt)
- Egg Dishes Galore at MOPS
- Chips (at least half a bag of these cheese crunchy things)
- Crackers
- 2 (or was it 3?) cinnamon rolls
- Ice Cream (with whip cream, and lots of it... maybe 4 or 5 servings)
- Candy (after all the junk I had today, I seriously binged on sour punch straws and nerds- strugs)

I'm such a sinner and have such a problem. I need Jesus. MORE of Him! Every moment. Every day. What do I do next? Well, I'm going to pump some water, get on my knees, get some sleep (God willing), and get up tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I'm committing to NO DESSERTS for 12 weeks (12 weeks from now, I'll reassess). I also will not indulge in SALTY SNACKS- NONE! Can I do this on my own? Clearly not. I need to talk to Jackson but I'm considering WW and/or having a couple of people really follow up with me and hold me accountable. My goal? My goal is to lose 15 pounds by the new year. It's possible. I'm probably going to be weighing in around 173 or close to that tomorrow. SO- that's me getting to the weight I was before having each of the girls by the end of this year/beginning of next.

Will this be hard? YES. Super. Doing this during the holidays? What?

Will I regret this? I've never not eaten a dessert or lost weight and thought, "Hmm... I don't know if I should've been that healthy". I HAVE TO DO THIS.

God, I know you are good. You're in control. You're gracious. I don't have to prove myself. Fill my by your Holy Spirit. Let this 12 week (hopefully life time and much more into 2012) challenge be to your glory. I need you Jesus. Can't do this without you.