Leave it out!

I completed the writing and reading TW work for today (Day 3) this morning around 6 am.  Before kids were up. Prior to tantrums thrown. Preceding the demands of the day. It was really good- I felt refreshed, prepared, and ready to face the day.

Then came reality. I could dedicate an entire blog to adventures with the kids etc., but in short- it was a stressful and frustrating morning.  However, I had my verse.  Any time I thought of things that made me feel negative emotions and then triggered the idea of eating to solve the problems, I said, "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland". Breakfast went well. It was hard for me to tell if I was a '5' and at one point I thought I was and got up but then felt hungry still so I opted for a little more of the kale, eggs, and salsa and ate until I thought I was satisfied.

Lunch got a little sketchy but I see it as a victory.  First off, I was making lunch for the kids and I'm not sure I was quite at a 0 but I really wanted to eat and felt hungry enough.  I popped a bell pepper in my mouth and reminded myself to sit down and so I did with my small portion of pasta and ground beef and bell peppers. Then it was time (after veggies and the main dish of course) for the girls to have the promised chips.  As I was passing them out, I justified that I could 'even out the number', 'it's okay to have a little', etc. and ended up starting to eat them standing up.  I don't even think I had half a serving but while I was eating them standing up the word 'danger' came to mind.  Crunch, crunch. I stuffed the rest of the chip crumbs in my mouth and even contemplated eating crumbs that had fallen on the table but resisted. 'Danger'. Then, I thought about the peanut M&Ms we have. I ate a few and the thought, "when in doubt, leave it out" (something I highlighted in today's material) came to mind.  Munch, munch.  I grabbed a measuring cup (was trying to find the smallest dish/cup while thinking that I deserve these M&Ms and also thinking and knowing that I had a lot of other healthier options to satisfy my hunger) and scooped out a 1/3 cupful and sat down in my kitchen facing the fridge slowly enjoying them. Kids are still eating their lunch. I'm escaping for a moment. Then more thoughts came to mind, "I probably shouldn't eat things that I wouldn't eat in front of my kids/let them eat". Gobble, gobble. I may have had 5 more of the chocolate covered candies before I thought yet again, "when in doubt, leave it out". Thank you Holy Spirit.  I put the mostly full measuring cup of M&Ms back in the bag and said, "This won't satisfy me" out loud.  Then I closed the bag and threw my arms up and jumped up and down saying, "Thank you Jesus. You are better".

So today's lunch experience is another example of this beautiful mess and journey that we are on.  God moment!  There are some M&Ms that God uses significantly in my life to point me towards Him and to encourage me to find total satisfaction in Him.

I don't want to inundate you with information and 'law' (stuff you have to do), but if you are at a spot where you feel you want to take another step or get more help and healing here are 2 Ms that will give you life:
One M- My MC (Missional Community, small group at Resonate)- if you are in some type of small group at your church- great. If you aren't, consider joining one. Share more than you want to. Lay out as much of your weaknesses and messiness as you can (with God's help). You'll never be the same.
Another M- Messages, right now especially Matt Chandler's from The Village (I highly recommend listening to all of the messages in the series Recovering Redemption and Acts)- These messages constantly draw me to the gospel and give me such encouragement and strength.

Highlighted stuff from today's TW material::
-"when in doubt, leave it out
- "Prayerfully invite God to direct you when you are uncertain or in doubt".

I'm believing and trusting.  Basking in God's grace and power.  I am praying that He will continue to move what I know in my head to my heart.  My prayer is that as that happens the moment I hear, "Danger" or "when in doubt, leave it out" I can walk away sooner and sooner to the One who satisfies perfectly.