God has been doing some 'heart surgery' here in Kauai. How blessed am I that He would allow me to process hard stuff in one of the most beautiful places on earth with my best friend on earth?
Thin Within material and Deeper (ultimately, the Bible verses and the Holy Spirit) as well as my community have been HUGE in helping me cope, process, and heal. I have felt the chains and grips of my food issues dissolving although I am feeling more feelings and some of them have been really hard for me.
Yesterday I had this deep,aching, longing for my high school days and especially the people in my life back then. It's been fifteen years. Talk about let the "glory days" go, right? My senior grad trip was to Oahu with some friends and my boyfriend at the time. Hearing the Hawaiian music by the pool and being in Hawaii brought back memories of high school, specifically the grad trip. In high school no one really knew me (especially me). The whole me. I would perform like crazy and hoped and did things so that all people I encountered would like me. Hopefully love me. I didn't believe AT ALL that I was loved for who I was/am. I felt (especially on our senior trip and much of my senior year) praised and worshiped by people. God revealed that to me yesterday and it was like a splash of cold water. I miss being my own god. Eeww and ouch. I want people to praise me and think highly of me and not really know me. Blech! God moment. Lots of prayer and reading and a few journal pages later I was worshiping God in greater ways and admiring my handsome husband resting by the pool and thanking God for the amazing life he's given me now. God sees and saw EVERYTHING since before I was formed and He loves me the same. Jackson knows me better than anyone on this earth and he loves me with a gospel-like-still-a-sinner love.
Isaiah 43:18-19 tells me to:
“Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland.
No comments:
Post a Comment